Improving Your Perspective

By Larry Deavers

Each of us has an ongoing conversation with ourselves called our “self-talk”.  This self-talk generates and reinforces our beliefs and perceptions about circumstances and people around us.

So often, we magnify the difficulty of a situation by the way we talk to ourselves about it.  The language, terms and phrases we use in our internal dialogue can increase or decrease the stress of a situation and, often, can even generate a self-fulfilling prophecy, as our conscious and unconscious reactions to our self-talk helps bring the things we tell ourselves into reality.

What we tell ourselves about circumstances and people, even what we tell ourselves about ourselves, has a dramatic impact on the way we perceive, think about and react to them.  If we see someone as genuinely giving and compassionate, we will rationalize anything we see to the contrary to justify why it was necessary and why they are still genuinely giving and compassionate. 

On the other hand, when we already are convinced that someone is arrogant and selfish, even when that person behaves in a compassionate, giving way, we are likely to dismiss their behavior as an anomaly or accredit it to some ulterior motive.  So, our default internal dialogue is based on preconceived notions of prior experience or assumptions.   This rarely changes without intentional effort on our part to recognize this pattern and interrupt it with new information when it is available.

So, how does this impact our parenting?

Without fully being aware of it, we can allow our preconceived notions of our children’s character, intelligence, and capabilities to skew our responses to their needs and behavior.  If we have a child who we perceive as being particularly skilled or intelligent, we may overlook certain setbacks as part of normal growth.  It’s a little easier to be gracious in that situation.

However, if we have a child who struggles in academics or other areas, we are more likely to view their setbacks as further confirmation that they are not capable, they are not trying or they just aren’t motivated.  This can have a damaging impact on a child who underperforms, as they will perceive that any time they fall short, their behavior is more heavily criticized than their more talented sibling.  The same can even be true of their accomplishments. Since those accomplishments may not fit our predetermined view of that child, we are less prone to give them the same validity that we might for another child who achieves goals more often.

How does this impact our marriage?

Similar to the way preconceived perceptions can influence our responses to our children, they tend to have the same impact on the way we view and respond to our partner.  When we come to expect certain behavior, we usually find what we are looking for and we tend to dismiss anything that contradicts our pre-established beliefs. 

So, if you believe that your spouse “never” puts their dishes in the dishwasher, you are more inclined to ignore all the times that he or she actually does load the dishwasher, while being hyper-aware of the times when you beliefs were proven correct. 

This typically results in using terms like, “You never…” or “You always…” when we are discussing behaviors with our spouse, which they likely find dismissive of the times when they may have really made an effort to change.  This frustration, when encountered often enough, may lead a spouse to conclude that there is no difference whether they make a change or not, resulting in a sense of hopelessness where they simply stop trying to satisfy us.

Conclusion: Allow people, including yourself, to grow and evolve over time.  Be gracious in allowing each experience to be a valid portrayal of where the other person is at this point in life, rather than locking them into some prior action on their part, or some growth they had not already made in the past.  That doesn’t mean making yourself unnecessarily vulnerable to someone who has abused you in the past, but it does mean working towards forgiveness and accepting that they may not be that same person any longer.

We all ebb and flow in our efforts to mature and we all do change over time.  Giving others and ourselves the recognition that the person we are assessing in our minds today is not the same person from two years ago will give you the flexibility to perceive them in ways that can preserve or deepen relationships.  This appreciation for growth can even strengthen your ability to forgive past mistakes, especially in yourself.

Larry Deavers is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker & Executive Director of Family Counseling Service of West Alabama.